As Guilty as The Traitor
by BellatrixCrucioYou
Summary: This one-shot goes back to 1981, recalling the dreadful night that James and Lily Potter were killed by Voldmeort. Experienced through the eyes of Sirius, the best friend.


**A/N: Hey there! So this is my first one-shot ever. I've had this idea for ages really. I even started writing it months ago, but I never finished. I finally decided to follow through with it. Hope you enjoy! Don't forget to leave a review! Thanks.**

What happened to friendship, loyalty, and trust? Are those worthless characteristics that you find to be beneath you? We had a plan; the perfect bluff. You ruined our lives and now I am the one who feels guilty. Surely it's my fault that this happened? I was the one who didn't trust the man who was supposed to be my friend. I went wrong. I misjudged. Everything spiraled downward and nobody can be happy now. Not even you, the traitor. Even you must feel guilty because only cowardice could have driven you to tell our secret. Then again, it was my stupidity that lead me to think you could keep the secret. The secret that lives depended on. How could you have outsmarted me? Why didn't I see it? I was blinded by what I thought was a strong bond of friendship. Maybe someone needs to remind me what friendship is? I thought I knew. I thought that it was caring about somebody and being there for somebody when they need you. I was wrong. That being said, I guess I wasn't the best of friends either. Am I just as guilty in this situation? I wish I could say that I'm not.

There was a chill in the air that could only be associated with October. It wasn't brutally cold but it was definitely on its way to becoming just that. Winter was quickly approaching, and the problems we were facing these days were bringing their chill and darkness to the air as well. It was a terrible night for a bike ride but I had become so attached to that thing that I just couldn't walk away from it. I had an extra layer of clothing on for the windy ride to visit my friend. Peter Pettigrew was his name. Or Wormtail, as we've been calling him for the last six years. He was a good guy and he's been useful lately, helping keep our secret safe and unheard. It was crucial that the secret didn't escape the inner circle and make its way to the ears of the opposing side. My life revolved around this secret and so much depended on it staying quiet.

I reached my bike as easily as ever and sat myself on the cold seat, ready for the journey which wasn't a far one. Thank God for that. I didn't want to freeze my hands to the handle bars before I got to Wormtail's hideout. It was my job to check on my friend, to make sure everything is going as it should. I pulled my helmet on over my head and a second later my bike's engine was running and I rode off down the street. I flashed by houses which all looked the same tonight. Pumpkins were staring at me from front porches, some with happy smiles and others with evil grins. It was Halloween night.

As the bike picked up speed, so did the wind and although flipping the switch in front of me would allow me to fly the bike through the sky, I remained on the ground. I didn't want any muggles to glimpse me tonight.

On I rode, my hands getting numb with every passing moment, through traffic lights, stop signs, and everything else that slowed the journey. My mind wandered. It was these times, when I wasn't occupied by anything, when I had plenty of time to think, that these thoughts overtook me. I thought of Voldemort and Death Eaters. I thought of my best friends and of the Order. I thought about the world in general in its current state of anxiety and destruction. It hit me especially hard now, in the night. Particularly in light of what I was doing.

I was forced to put these thoughts aside when I reached Wormtail's hideout. I parked my bike on the side of the road, looking up at the house. The outside showed nothing out of the ordinary. That was a good sign. I walked up to the door, extracting my wand from my pocket as I did so. I then tapped the door with my wand and entered the house, shouting, "Wormtail, it's me! Just checking up on you!"

I listened for a response but none came. Walking deeper into the hideout, I called for him again.

"Wormtail?"

I strained my ears for any sound, but still there was no response. Forcing myself to stay calm, I walked through all of the rooms in the small place. Wormtail was nowhere to be found. It didn't seem right that he would be gone. Everything looked perfectly in order, and there was no sign of a struggle. Panicking, I rushed back out into the cold darkness and practically jumped onto my bike. Wanting to waste no time, I immediately flipped the switch near my hand, sending the bike upward in an instant. Flying through the wind, I forgot about the insignificant things such as the world, instead focusing on just two people. Lily and James. Try as I might, I couldn't shrug off the feeling that something was going very wrong, and that the center of these wrongdoings was with those two people.

There was Godric's Hollow ahead, so familiar and welcoming to me. I gradually let the bike lose height until I was safely on the ground, speeding through the neighborhood of cottages. I turned the corner leading to my destination, hoping more than ever that everything would look normal and right.

It was proven to me at that moment that I am not the luckiest man around and that the world must really be out to get me.

I pulled up to the dilapidated cottage that I knew belonged to my best friend and his wife and young son. All caring and reason gone from me, I ran from my bike and up to the only living soul I could see. Hagrid.

"Hagrid, what's going on? What's happened?" I asked quickly, trying to make sense of things beyond my knowledge.

"Where's Li—"

Before I could finish my sentence I noticed a bundle in Hagrid's massive arms. A fresh wave of fear enveloped me as I took a look at Harry, my fifteen month old godson. He was awake and staring up at me with those bright green eyes that looked so like his mother's. That was when I noticed his forehead and the odd mark that now resided there. A lightning bolt shape. I looked to Hagrid again, confused and desperate for answers.

"Hagrid, what's going on?" I asked. I couldn't keep the shakiness out of my voice.

"It's him, Sirius. He found em. Lily and James. You-Know-Who found em," said Hagrid, looking everywhere but at me.

"I don't understand. How could Voldemort have found them? We had a plan. There's absolutely no way he could have—"

"Lily and James were killed," Hagrid murmured. I didn't hear him. I was too wrapped up in my own thoughts, rambling aloud about the seemingly impossible.

"Lily and James were killed," Hagrid said again, this time loud enough to get my attention but not register what he said.

"What?" I asked.

"I said, Lily and James were killed, Sirius."

"No. That's impossible." I shook my head, not daring to believe him. I don't know why he was lying but he needed to stop.

"I'm serious. You-Know-Who came barely a half hour ago. He tried ter kill Harry too, but he couldn't fer some reason. I'm sorry. I really am."

My mind was in freefall mode. I didn't hear anything else Hagrid was saying after that.

Lily and James. My best friends.

I couldn't comprehend it. I couldn't see or think straight. How was it possible? Nothing made sense.

And then it hit me. Hard.

"Wormtail," I said out loud.

"Hm?"

It was Wormtail. He must have handed them over. I wasn't the Secret Keeper. It was him, but then we switched to try to trick the Death Eaters because we didn't think anyone would expect someone like Wormtail to hang onto the secret. But he betrayed us! It was all him! I should have known! How could I have been so stupid?

I flung my arms into the air as if the answer to my question would come falling down from some unknown source in the sky. But no answer came, because there wasn't one. Just the stars twinkled down at me. So when I let my arms fall back down, I lost any sense I had left.

Everything came crashing down at that moment and for an instant, I felt like I couldn't breathe.

The plan had backfired and it was all my fault. Everything.

I dropped onto my knees in the lawn, looking up at the destroyed home of my best friend. But then Hagrid was there and he was pulling me back up.

"Sorry, I said quietly. "I'm sorry. It was my fault." My eyes were still on the house.

"It's not yer fault. Done say that," Hagrid said. "There was nothing you could have done. You had no idea. None of us did."

I nodded more for his sake than for mine. I truly believed it was my fault. I should have remained the Secret Keeper.

"I'll take Harry," I said abruptly. I was sure of that.

"I'm sorry, I can' let you. Dumbledore ordered him to be taken to his aunt and uncle's house."

That was stupid. Why would he go to Petunia and Vernon's house? I was his godfather. I should have the next say, not Dumbledore.

"It's alright, Hagrid. I'm sure Dumbledore will understand. I'm his godfather. I'll take him," I said trying not to sound irritated.

"I can'. He gave me specific orders," Hagrid said.

"Dumbledore knows already? How did he know before me?" That made me angry for some reason.

"I was the first ter know. I told Dumbledore. I was about ter tell you, but then you came and—"

I wasn't paying attention. I just needed Harry in my possession.

"Please, can I just take care of him?" I was on the verge of begging which I didn't do frequently.

"Orders are orders, Sirius. I'm sorry. I can'. That's my final word on that."

An idea was forming in my mind. It had to do with Wormtail and revenge.

"Fine. Bring him to Dumbledore. You can use my bike. I won't be needing it anymore," I said with a gesture toward it.

"Yer sure?"

"Positive. Take it," I said.

"Alright. I'm going ter go then. I told Dumbledore I'd get over there as soon as I could."

"Sure, whatever."

He gave me a pat on the back before departing with Harry. I watched him get onto the bike, secure Harry, and fly into the distance.

All was silent.

I couldn't handle the silence. It was closing in on me, threatening to bring me down in surrender.

I slowly made my way to the front door of the house which was almost completely unhinged. I walked in and immediately I was forced to shut my eyes from the pain.

Right there in the hallway, lay James.

After much effort, I walked over and crouched next to him. It was the most horrible sight to behold.

"Prongs," I whispered. "I'm so sorry."

My worst fear was such an unfathomable reality.

I'm not sure how long I remained there. All I know is that I'll never see that face smile or laugh again. He would never speak to me again.

Through the warm wetness on my face, I just kept saying, "I'm sorry." Those words did nothing to assuage the irrefutable truth, but I couldn't stop because I just wanted him to know. Even if he couldn't hear me.

There came a point where I could no longer stand being near him. Giving him a last glance, I proceeded up the stairs, following the green light that still lingered.

The light grew stronger as I neared Harry's nursery.

When I entered I was met by another stab of pain.

Lily.

So brave of her to stand up to Voldemort to save her son. So brave of her to sacrifice her life for him. I expected nothing less.

Fresh tears came in streams without warning. My vision was obscured as I said the same thing to Lily as I did James. I couldn't stop saying how sorry I was.

"I'm sorry, Lily. You were so brave."

Again, I couldn't stay. I took in her eyes that she passed down to Harry. Then I left.

There was no point in walking through the hallway again. I didn't think I could bear to see James again. All protective spells had been lifted from the small cottage and so I simply apparated.

I knew that once I left, I'd never want to return.

I now found myself in the midst of town. Not many cars were driving about and most houses were dark. Halloween activities had long since ended.

I took a seat on the curb, my face in my hands, contemplating what to do.

My next move seemed so obvious though.

Of course I was going to track down the filthy rat that betrayed Lily and James. I was going to hunt him down and kill him. My hands formed fists at the thought. Certainly he deserved nothing less than death. I hated him more than anyone. I knew what I was giving up. The Aurors would surely catch me and send me to Azkaban. That's why I let Hagrid have the bike. Like I said, I wouldn't need it anymore.

I got up and started my search for Wormtail.

It wasn't until the sun made its presence did I finally find him.

I spotted him crawling along a sidewalk a few miles away from Godric's Hollow. After the countless times I'd watched him transform, I knew it was him.

I made my way through the many Muggles walking on the same sidewalk.

"Wormtail," I called when I was near enough for him to hear. I had never felt so furious in my life.

The rat transformed into the person I thought was my friend just days ago. Fear was etched on his face.

I didn't care. It was all a show, an act. He deserved to be punished.

"Why did you do it, Pettigrew?" I yelled at him, pushing him against the nearest wall. I pulled my wand from my pocket and pointed it directly at his face which was just inches from my own.

"I don't know what you're talking about! Sirius, no! Stop! Please forgive me! It was an accident!"

"Those kinds of acts aren't called accident, Wormtail," I spat.

Muggles were staring at me and Pettigrew. An odd sight to see. But nothing mattered save for the two of us. I was avenging Lily and James.

"No! Please have mercy! Sirius, please!"

"Not today, you filthy, worthless, betraying piece of scum. You're going to pay for your actions!"

His eyes were huge and I was almost laughing.

"Bye-bye, Wormtail," I said barely above a whisper.

Then, out of nowhere, I was blasted back onto the street. Hurriedly, I got up to avoid getting hit by a car and to see what the hell just happened.

Wormtail was gone. There was blood splattered on the concrete and a lone finger that had clearly been detached from its owner lay there. I turned to see Muggles dead on the floor. At least ten of them.

No. No. No. This wasn't real. I couldn't function. I was going to go mad, I knew it.

Then the Aurors were there. And you know what I did? I fought. I was not going to let this happen. I needed to find Wormtail and I needed to kill him. Azkaban could wait.

I was crazy, there was no doubt. "No! Stop! Let me go! I need to kill him! I need to kill him!" I kept screaming.

When the twelfth Auror arrived, I knew there was no point any longer. I did nothing but laugh. I laughed like a maniac because I was unhinged, frantic. I wanted revenge so badly that it hurt. But I was going to Azkaban.

After a single day, my life had gone to hell in a hand basket.

And I was laughing.

Laughing.

_I'm so sorry,_ I thought.


End file.
